One Step Closer to the Edge- The Control Freak is Freaking Out

I’m gonna blow a gasket. I can feel it. I am the volcano that buried Pompeii. I am the San Francisco earthquake and the Asian tsunami. I am seriously pissed. I am seriously over-reacting. That’s why I’m typing instead of screaming and throwing chairs like a guest on Springer. I want to wear sunglasses all day today. I need to hide the Death rays shooting out of my eyes. The glare that wants to pin you to the wall and scream at you about your incompetence while performing Three Stooges-type abuse to your body.

Driving in to work today, I wanted to listen to Linkin Park. (It should be Enya) I wanted to listen to Guns N Roses. (It should be Sade) I wanted to listen to Queensryche. (It should be…well, ok have you heard Silent Lucidity? Geesh.)

Incompetence. That’s what’s eating me today. Things that are beyond my control. My “judging light” is not only on; it could power the state of Pennsylvania today. (Thank God for all the Amish.) Some of this is directed at myself, of course. I know better than to hold other people to the same standard I hold for myself. It leads to disappointment more often than not. I know it, and it still gets to me. I can’t stand to have to work with people who don’t share the same work ethic. People with no concept of deadlines, no understanding of the importance of sharing communication or the impact of not sharing them, and no insight at all when it comes to setting expectations and then resetting expectations when warranted. But as much as working side-by-side with someone like this can get on my nerves, I am really tortured by being managed by such an individual.

X’s and O’s- Remembering to Breathe
I understand that everyone is different. In order to get along, you have to be able to go with the idea that being different doesn’t translate into being wrong or bad. Sometimes a different perspective can bring things to light you have overlooked or missed altogether.
I seem to recall some little nugget of information from my past about recognizing that the traits/habits/idiosyncrasies we seemingly despise about other people can be traced back to things we ultimately recognize and possibly dislike about ourselves. So let me run with that for a minute.

I’m a detail person. I’m a perfectionist and a control freak. More so on the job than outside, but probably still your classic Type A personality. If you have ever taken a personality test, you are probably familiar with the names Myers-Briggs or Keirsey. I like those classifications a little better than the more general Type A/Type B distinctions. When I hear Type A, I picture some straight commission sales guy “making deals” and generally working himself into a heart attack. If you have ever seen the movie Glengary Glen Ross, you’ll know the type I mean. Since I don’t feel I identify with that type of person, I tend to prefer some different measurements and interpretations. Personality tests are very subjective. I think they can provide insight into your behaviors in various situations, but they are not the sum total or final say in who you are. According to Keirsey, I am an ESFJ. This translates into Extroversion/Sensing/Feeling/Judging. Here is a link to the page. I would recommend taking the test just to see where you fall. I thought maybe I could find a site that offered it for free, but no go on my initial search.

It does bother me sometimes that I can’t be a little more laid-back, a little more forgiving, and a little less judgmental. However, if I really wanted to change I would, so apparently I am fine to just think about being different rather than actually practicing it. So, continuing with this topic, the people that drive me nuts, especially at work are the people I mentioned above who don’t worry about the fire because they are oblivious to the flames. While I may envy their Zen-like attitudes outside of the work environment, I have a hard time dealing with them at work. And I must say that my methods of “dealing” can be a little childish. The same people that are oblivious to the flames are surely also going to be oblivious to the death rays coming from my eyes. They may even try to be helpful and offer me Visine.

Embracing My Passive-Aggressive Tendencies
So, I decided to get online and look up passive aggressive behavior. Perhaps shame myself into realizing what a waste of time and energy it is, and a generally cowardly and ineffective thing to boot. Now obviously, I don’t end up holding back as often as I probably should, but really, I bite back a lot more than you might think. (And somewhere out there, Lionel still deserves an apology from me.) Still, in a business situation, you really don’t want to be the person that flies off the handle a lot. People get angry, so if it happens, just realize that it happens to everyone. But, getting angry all the time is probably not a good thing, especially if you don’t learn to deal with it constructively, if at all.

I’m a list maker. Maybe that’s just how I choose to deal with chaos. I can’t tell you the number of times I have written out every word of a difficult conversation I knew was coming. Not that I was planning on reading a script, I just wanted to figure out where my mind was going to go if it really had free-reign. It’s cleansing and helps me to calm down. I may still be upset, but I generally feel like I won’t suddenly start frothing at the mouth. It also helps me organize my thoughts a little better, so that when it is time to have the discussion, I give the appearance of rational thought rather than knee-jerk, drama queen hysterics.

Whew. And just like that, the situation has been diffused somewhat and I am now back on simmer. Not a great place to be, but also not in imminent danger of committing career suicide either. Now, time for more coffee. I have a meeting coming up…