Fuzzy Pictures

I've always struggled with decisions. It may not always appear that way, because I don’t like to appear indecisive. I have a hard time when I see it in other people, so I know it’s because it’s a reflection of what’s happening inside of me. I have long taken the approach that more questions and more information are good things to pursue in the hopes of making the “best” choice. But there still seems to be the struggle between listening to your head and your heart. It seems to me they are rarely in total agreement. And how does your “gut” figure into the discussion anyway? Is it different than your conscience? Or is that one more voice to add to the mix? Sometimes it just seems to be the case of too many cooks.

Getting a better picture of the things that motivate me and my decision making processes are still in the beginning stages. It seems to me that the heart of my decision struggle has a lot to do with abandonment. Whether real or just perceived I seem to always come back to the choice of stay or go. It can apply to relationships, of course, but it can also apply to friends, jobs, and almost anything else. There are times when I've decided to stand my ground and stay and I end up staying too long in situations that become more and more toxic. There are also times when I get a sense of inevitability and decide to cut my losses and move on, only to feel an almost immediate sense of regret and failure.

In truth, this doesn't happen so much in my professional life or my friendships. For whatever reason, I seem to have a clearer picture when it comes to those choices. For my professional life I do tend to stay and not constantly job hop and I feel that it’s worked out fine. I suppose I accept the high and lows of motivation and creativity at work as just part of life. Even when I try to imagine a different job in the same field or in a different field altogether, I don’t really get much past this stage. Jobs seem to find me, and I just go with it. Why mess with something that works? At this stage, it seems that the only reason to change is based on money, and I don’t chase money.

I also rarely let go of friendships. I do sometimes let them fade away without making an effort to stay “current”, but I also think that just life too. I keep a very small circle (my circle of 8) and the rest can just come and go as they please. While I feel as though I have a lot of friends, I don’t find that I need to be surrounded by them. Why is that? Sometimes I think it was because I moved around a lot as a kid and felt like I had to say goodbye a lot. Why get overly attached when I don’t know how long I’ll even be there? Besides, I always had the constant company of my sisters and brother. I was never really alone no matter where I was. I’m betting that was helpful. LOL…

No, no. The harder choices are always of a more personal nature. That’s where the fuzzier picture is and where all the voices want to weigh in and be heard. My head wants to be detached and rational. My heart is the eternal optimist. My gut is overly cautious and paranoid. My conscience is a terrible critic. With all of the different input coming in from different directions, I wonder how any decisions get made at all. Sometimes it’s impulsive, trying to avoid mental committee meetings and just do something now. Sometimes it’s weary. I've thought about it so long that I’m not sure what the original issue was or care about the outcome anymore.


The mental processing work continues. I’m trying to incorporate new thoughts about blame, projection, ego, and the need to be “right.” How can I expect to be understood by others in my life, when I am still discovering things about myself?