Word Count

In my job, every word counts. If it doesn’t convey the right message or elicit the expected response, it gets cut. The same process doesn’t always carry through outside of work. Normal conversations with people are filled with things you wish you had said differently or hadn’t said at all. Conversations about relationships are filled with those moments. Aside from the things that can come tumbling out with little or no thought, you can also be hyper-aware of the words that are never said. Funny how you can spend more time thinking about the words you never say instead of the ones that you do.

Right now I am stuck. Steve and I had a conversation last night about marriage. It seems a bit soon for that, right? The blogs give small details, but no real indication of what has been going on between us. That has been by choice, of course. Partly because in the beginning there wasn’t much to say since we didn’t see each other very often, and partly because it’s new and I would like to keep this piece to myself a bit longer. Even though we had a slow start, it didn’t mean we didn’t have anything to say. It turns out we have a lot in common in terms of values. I think that kind of similarity is more important than let’s say a common interest in music or sports. It’s good to have parts of our personalities that are different. It keeps things interesting. The last thing I need is someone who is a carbon copy of me.

So anyway, we had this conversation last night. It sort of grew from a number of things. We both have leases ending in about 6 months, we both want to buy something (he is thinking house, and I was thinking condo), and more importantly, we both think this relationship is progressing to the point that it makes sense to start having conversations about merging our households together (he has a kid and I have closets full of shoes). I joke as usual, but I think it’s a real possibility.

I keep getting tripped up by a few minor details. Mostly it’s been an issue of time. We have known each other for about 3 months now, and as slow as it started, it’s still really fast. I keep thinking that I shouldn’t know what I want to do this soon. I keep second guessing my feelings and discounting them as just being caught up in the newness of the whole thing. I have to remind myself that having a conversation about these important things is a good thing. It doesn't mean we are going to take action on them tomorrow, but how else are we going to know where the other person stands if we don't talk about anything? So far, things just keep falling into the right places.

Another detail that we haven’t quite addressed yet is the words. I have a hard time thinking about those 4 little words that will present me with yet another life-altering choice to make. The marriage conversation came from the fact that neither of us is looking to play house with the other. We share the same perspective that if things are good enough to live together, than we should get married. Wow. It was such an easy conversation you would have thought we were discussing which movie to go see this weekend (actually, we did that too). I think the topic of conversation is enough to cause some anxiety in anyone, but there is one more little item that is nagging me about this situation. Neither of us has said the all-important 3 little words to start this whole domino effect.

When he first brought up living together, I had a little meltdown. I told him it was Dad’s fault for brainwashing me since birth about cows and free milk. I didn’t even live with my fiancé the first time I contemplated this situation. I almost did, but I agreed to do it as my Hail Mary attempt to keep that boat from sinking. That fell apart before I ended up moving, so I still have never lived with anyone. I don’t judge anyone else for doing it; I just don’t feel like it’s the right choice for me.

Once Steve realized I was seriously freaking out, he was quick to reassure me that he was kidding me about doing it so soon. He knows as well as I do that things are progressing pretty quickly for us now and that we still need to spend more time together and make sure in our own minds that this is the path we want to take. So far, he has been the one to bring up these big relationship milestones. The only one I have really balked at is living together. I wonder how much of this is related to where we are in life. In my 20’s, I wanted to get married very much. I had a plan in my mind about the way my life would be and when things would happen. Since none of that came to fruition, it seemed reasonable to also think about the alternative: staying single forever. With age came the realization that while it would be nice to have someone in my life, I wasn’t going to waste away into an empty shell of a person if it didn’t happen. So many more choices have been made available to me because there was no one else to consider.

Still, I think you can reach an understanding in your mind that if you met the right person and the circumstances were right, that your perspective can change too. I guess I am saying that I’m looking down that road again. This experience is so very different from the first time, which is already a good sign. We don’t have the same twenty-something problem of “finding ourselves” in terms of a career or just knowing who we really are and what we want in life. At least now, we have each lived through some good and bad choices and have a better sense of self. Maybe that’s why the conversations come a bit easier and the choices seem a bit more obvious. With a stronger sense of who you are, you find ways of getting to the heart of the matter a little faster. There is also an understanding between us that if it’s going to work, that we have to consider ourselves partners in this.

Well, as fun as it is to play devil’s advocate with myself, I don’t know that I am really any closer to answers. Unfortunately, it appears as though what will finally give me the answers is my old nemesis: time.