Fuzzy Pictures

I've always struggled with decisions. It may not always appear that way, because I don’t like to appear indecisive. I have a hard time when I see it in other people, so I know it’s because it’s a reflection of what’s happening inside of me. I have long taken the approach that more questions and more information are good things to pursue in the hopes of making the “best” choice. But there still seems to be the struggle between listening to your head and your heart. It seems to me they are rarely in total agreement. And how does your “gut” figure into the discussion anyway? Is it different than your conscience? Or is that one more voice to add to the mix? Sometimes it just seems to be the case of too many cooks.

Getting a better picture of the things that motivate me and my decision making processes are still in the beginning stages. It seems to me that the heart of my decision struggle has a lot to do with abandonment. Whether real or just perceived I seem to always come back to the choice of stay or go. It can apply to relationships, of course, but it can also apply to friends, jobs, and almost anything else. There are times when I've decided to stand my ground and stay and I end up staying too long in situations that become more and more toxic. There are also times when I get a sense of inevitability and decide to cut my losses and move on, only to feel an almost immediate sense of regret and failure.

In truth, this doesn't happen so much in my professional life or my friendships. For whatever reason, I seem to have a clearer picture when it comes to those choices. For my professional life I do tend to stay and not constantly job hop and I feel that it’s worked out fine. I suppose I accept the high and lows of motivation and creativity at work as just part of life. Even when I try to imagine a different job in the same field or in a different field altogether, I don’t really get much past this stage. Jobs seem to find me, and I just go with it. Why mess with something that works? At this stage, it seems that the only reason to change is based on money, and I don’t chase money.

I also rarely let go of friendships. I do sometimes let them fade away without making an effort to stay “current”, but I also think that just life too. I keep a very small circle (my circle of 8) and the rest can just come and go as they please. While I feel as though I have a lot of friends, I don’t find that I need to be surrounded by them. Why is that? Sometimes I think it was because I moved around a lot as a kid and felt like I had to say goodbye a lot. Why get overly attached when I don’t know how long I’ll even be there? Besides, I always had the constant company of my sisters and brother. I was never really alone no matter where I was. I’m betting that was helpful. LOL…

No, no. The harder choices are always of a more personal nature. That’s where the fuzzier picture is and where all the voices want to weigh in and be heard. My head wants to be detached and rational. My heart is the eternal optimist. My gut is overly cautious and paranoid. My conscience is a terrible critic. With all of the different input coming in from different directions, I wonder how any decisions get made at all. Sometimes it’s impulsive, trying to avoid mental committee meetings and just do something now. Sometimes it’s weary. I've thought about it so long that I’m not sure what the original issue was or care about the outcome anymore.


The mental processing work continues. I’m trying to incorporate new thoughts about blame, projection, ego, and the need to be “right.” How can I expect to be understood by others in my life, when I am still discovering things about myself?

Reframing

For the past 2 weeks I've been trying to be open to new ways of looking at things. I hit what felt like a critically low point. I was online looking for something that would provide me with some insight, some sort of solace and then it appeared: a reference to a book. Now, I've done plenty of self-help reading over the years. It can be interesting, but I find that there is also a lot of crap that you have to wade through in order to get to the helpful little nuggets of wisdom in these things. Still, I tried to keep an open mind and thought to myself “Okay, let’s try this one more time.”  I’m glad I did.

I read the first 2 chapters and I immediately felt better. Why was that? Was I so desperate to find an answer, a plan that I latched onto to this as a miraculous truth? Did I just like the style in which it was written? Or did I really feel like this concept had some merit? I decided to keep reading. Normally, I tear through new books at fast pace, but I took my time with this one. There was a lot of information to absorb and I didn't feel like I could really do it justice unless I slowed down. It took me about a week to get through it and it’s one of those books that I will most likely read a few more times just to make sure I understand all of it.

I think one of the things in the book that caught my eye was a single word: reframing. Earlier that same low point day, I was watching a YouTube video and one of the images used caught my imagination. So much so that I found the image online and changed my cover photo on Facebook. Imagine my surprise when the same word appeared in the book as part of the overall philosophy. It felt like validation that I made the right choice.

Reframing was exactly what I had in mind. I wanted to think once more about paths and choices and consequences. The problem was perspective. I needed a fresh one. I knew that I couldn't possibly provide my own objectivity when it came to my decisions and I wasn't in a place where I wanted to speak about it to anyone else. I was so absorbed in pain and regret and anger that I could barely breathe let alone think outside my carefully constructed box of justifications. The book provided that fresh perspective.

The process is simple, but deceptive. Of course there is some very painful and difficult work associated with going through it. I don’t mind that part really. If it is going to lead me to new, healthier habits and a better awareness of myself as well as others around me, I’ll do it. It reminds me of what I think of as a recovery process from an addiction. Once I have gone through the process I can’t just announce that I’m cured! Doesn't work like that. I will have knee-jerk reactions and emotional triggers that take me back to the familiar decision processes. Incorporating the new perspective and processes will take time and repetition and an incredible amount of patience with me.

The book is called Radical Forgiveness. 

1441

Time to bust out the blog chops again, I think. I have a secret and no one seems to be expecting any blog entries from me, so it seems once again like a good outlet for my random thoughts. It’s been pointless to keep up with writing in my lather, rinse, repeat schedule for the last few years, so I didn't bother. Let’s trying interviewing myself…

What’s my secret? I’m in love. Let me just bask in that statement for a moment…I’m in love. If there was ever a perfect moment for the over-use of exclamation points, that has to be it. I’m over the moon about it, of course. I’m in that sweet-smelling, endorphin-filled, rainbow-casting cloud of schmoopiness. It’s about having the same thoughts at the same time, love notes, staring off into space, pictures, confessing your love to random strangers, CD’s, and all the things that go along with cementing that fragile bond of new coupledom. It really doesn't matter what age you are. I always believed age would be irrelevant, so it’s nice to confirm that. Obviously at 41, there are certainly some welcome differences than if I was 21. And thank GOD for those differences.

I think there’s something very rich and even sweeter about falling in love with someone after you already know yourself. The idea that you have functioned as a self-sufficient, independent, productive member of society for more years than you might confess is very rewarding when you think about merging into someone else’s equally accomplished life. There are so many more stories to share, more patience to hear another opinion, more confidence (and hopefully tact and actual resolution) in disagreements, and more appreciation for the gift you've been given because you know what it’s like to be without. There is absolutely no way I had any real understanding of this at the age of 21. I may miss that body, but I sure don’t miss that age.

Why is it a secret? Since it’s new I feel terribly possessive and protective of it, like it was a living thing. For as secure as I may profess to be on a daily basis, I think there remains that sliver of fear until I am actually with him (no doubt wrapped around him like a blanket). Fear is irrational, so I don’t want to try to explain it, but I do try to keep a tight lid on it labeled “old patterns” and try to remember to take it out with the trash. We don’t talk about it no doubt because we don’t want to acknowledge its shadowy presence, but I have a feeling he might be harboring the same fugitive. We both want to shout it from the rooftops and we are slowly letting people in our lives know, but I think we both want to control the flow of information for the time being. Plus, this has been such a long time coming for us that sometimes it still seems necessary to pinch yourself to believe its reality and not another fantasy you concocted in your mind.  Case in point- last night we actually talked about what to call each other. It was so sweet. So let me say it again. I’m in love with my boyfriend!!!!!  And off I go for a minute twirling in a field of flowers….

The other reason to keep a lid on it for now is because we have made a point to not define it yet. Other than our CUTE labels (WHEE!!!!), we have made it a point not to look too far down the road. That being said, we have confirmed with each other that we both see this as a long term commitment. There is absolutely no doubt that he is exactly who I want to have in my life for as long as I can have him. If I have to eat sushi every day to prove it, then bring out the fish bait! I know we’ll discuss it at some point, but we are taking this time right now to just enjoy the daily moments and the anticipation of seeing each other again. It’s another “old pattern” departure for me, but I accept what we give to each other every day, and I find that kind of focus to be precious. Every day is different and I would hate to lose sight of what I have right in front of me by thinking about hypothetical future scenarios that may never exist. I do think its natural when telling other people for them to ask about the logistics of something long distance. Since I have no answer for that other than to say”we’ll figure it out” my preference is to not say anything.

1441? Ha. Well, I like numbers. Not math, mind you, but numbers. I am in love with the symmetry of this one. Age 14 is when we met and age 41 is when we started our relationship. Its sick how cute that is, right? It looks like they are mirror images of each other. We aren't that, of course, but they do look like they are looking at each other and we do plenty of that! And if I REALLY, reeeeaaaallly want to stretch the love connection cuteness of it, I can say that in numerology this number is a 1. (1+4+4+1=10…1+0=1)

Quoting from my numerology book regarding 10/1= “What you have been waiting for may now be yours. You could call this cycle a turn for the better, the start of something new. Events that appear accidental or mere chance result from efforts you have already expended.”

Too long to put on a t-shirt, but I like the idea of 1441 and the delicious secret meaning. 

Unexpected

Just a couple of weeks to go now until the photo shoot. I have managed to pull all my “stuff” together and I think I am finally ready. Yesterday I went out to Red Rock Canyon to scout out some locations for pictures. Thank goodness I did! I found a really great spot with terrific views on all sides. It’s gonna be a tight fit with a giant car, but I think we can do it. I tried to be mindful of the time of day, the sun, the wind, etc so I could be there as close to the time I think I’m going to be there next month. It was just gorgeous! One downside was the wind. It just happened to be a windy day already, but I am hoping I won’t see quite that much on the 14th. My hair will be a disaster.


I also put in a request for a tour of the Neon Graveyard for May 7th and I was just confirmed. That’s good news. Now I can walk through there and scout some locations for David. I will feel better knowing that I have already seen both areas and have a sense of how to make the best use of our time that day. It’s gonna be a long day for sure, but I think it should also be a lot of fun. The only other thing with the car is trying to find the rental place. I was going on memory yesterday when I tried to find it. No success. I’ll have to look at the map again. I know it’s on the Strip and I think I know the plaza, but I just couldn’t see it from the road. Ugh. Timing wise, it took me about 20 minutes from Red Rock to the Strip, so I think we are in good shape getting from point A too point B without wasting a lot of time.

Which leads me to what is wasting my time right now…my stupid car lease!! I don’t want to go into the details, but I am now leaving this Saturday to drive my car back to OH to immediately turn around and drive back in my new car before Friday. 6 days in the car and I have to call it vacation!!! Grrrr…

Dad is still in OH, but now that I am coming out, we are going to drive back together. I had to go and dig out my walkie talkies that we used when I first moved out here. Luckily, they still work. The just needed a charge. So I have to spend the week before my photo shoot in a car for 6 days, eating fast food, and no gym access. I already told Mimi. I think she is going to try and put some exercises together for me that I can do in the hotel. That should be interesting. Dad of course would rather not stop at all, or just pull over on the road and catch a nap. Um, no thanks. I am tempted to wear pajamas the whole time. That could be fun.

The Battle of the Bulge Continues…

I’ve been going to the gym about 5 times a week for the last 3 months. One might think I would have a little more visible progress to show for it. It’s frustrating. I won’t go into the laundry list of all the things I am doing to try and get in shape, but just the fact that there is a laundry list is frustrating.


So last night I had a follow up meeting with Mimi, my trainer from the gym. She and I had some training sessions earlier this month. I knew she was going to try and push for more sessions eventually. As I’m sitting there listening to her go on about the different things we could try I finally decided that I couldn’t go into this photo shoot feeling like I didn’t do everything I possibly could. So fine, 5 more sessions. One last push to try and tone my arms and belly.

She took my measurements again and as expected there were some small changes. Some were a bit unexpected. Arms and legs were essentially the same. I lost about a half inch on my hips only to relocate it to my chest! What the Hell?!?!?!?! I lost about a half inch from my waist too.

So I have yoga, weight lifting classes that I recently added and now 5 more sessions with Mimi. If that wasn’t enough, she also would like for me to go to another class: Boot Camp. Hmmm….don’t know about that one. The last thing I want is someone yelling at me. Still, it looks like it’s only once a week, so that could work. Honestly, how do people do this all the time and enjoy it? It feels like an entire second life. If I’m not at work chances are I’m at the gym.

In other news, can I tell you how much I hate ordering clothes online? I have sent back yet another pair of Capri pants that don’t fit. Finally yesterday I decided to abandon the idea of the capris and try to find shorts instead. Found some sailor style ones on Ebay. I know I’m still ordering online, but I have to give this one more shot. As we are approaching the last 6 weeks, I have yet to finalize my outfit for the car. I really wanted capris, but I guess I have to let that one go. I tried a couple of skirts, but it just seems a little too formal for the car shots. Besides, since I already have a dress picked out, I wanted something more casual. So let’s see if these shorts are the answer. At this point I am starting to get a bit nervous about the time…

March 8

No burning topics today, so this will be the rambling update.

First of all, Happy Birthday to Tom Chaplin. I think he’s all of 32 years now. No album or concerts from that front this year. It’s probably just as well with all the travel I have planned for summer anyway. Still hoping that Duran Duran makes it here or to Phoenix this year so April and I can see them. They have a show in LA this month, but it’s on a Wednesday night! Really???

Tonight is round 2 with Mimi the trainer at the gym. I am guessing she is going to make me do more arm stuff again tonight. My arms feel a lot better today than they have the last 2 days. Yoga class last night helped. Mimi thinks it won’t be a problem for me to drop 10-15 pounds by the time the photo shoot rolls around. I hope she’s right!

Dad was on his way here and then decided to go back to OH because another friend of his is battling cancer and is back in the hospital. At first I was a little frustrated that once again the man seems to be scattered all over the place like so much dandelion fluff, but for all intents and purposes he is retired at the moment and can do whatever he wants. Plus, I was really only feeling a bit put out because I have no idea when he is actually showing up here and now it’s delayed even longer. And besides that, Dad's a great friend and I knew as soon as I heard the news he would turn around and head back. Dad would read this and say that I was once again worrying over something I can’t control. To this I say “duh”.

So today’s Groupon was for a 1 hour professional photo session for $49. Oh sure! Where were THEY when I was trying to find a local photographer???? I love that David is coming and that I get him the whole weekend, but the price was a just a little too good to ignore, so I bought the Groupon anyway. I figure I’ll use it sometime later in the year or give it to Heidi or something.

Oh and here are the new bangs....

MARCH!!

Ya know, it always seems that March does indeed “come in like a lion.” That’s not a complaint since I have a lot to do and a short time to get it done. Sometimes I think the faster things roll in, the better. (Generally this feeling is AFTER I have had a pot of coffee and BEFORE my nap.) So this week I have to finish up the next big hurdle to my work project. I really have until Friday which is like an eon away, but if nothing is happening by tomorrow I’m going to get a little nervous again.

I also received a package today which has my lovely black cherry swing dress in it. I tried it on and of course it’s tight across my chest. Grr…Well, that was bound to happen. It gives me the motivation to proceed with my next step at the gym. I am planning on getting a few sessions with a trainer so I can start to add some much needed strength training to the routine. I am in a familiar cardio rut and yoga is great, but not really pushing me hard enough. Plus cute sales guy at the gym is being rather persistent with the trainer “deal” right now. Arm stuff is not my favorite by a long shot, but neither is the fat peeking out from my bra under my arms. Yuck…

Tomorrow I am supposed to receive my new phone. My contract ended almost a year ago and I had been kicking around the idea of an upgrade to a Blackberry, but I didn’t really want to spend the money. I barely use my cell phone anyway. Well it looks like my procrastination has finally paid off. The special deal Sprint offered me last week was to get the Blackberry for 99 cents. Hard to turn that one down. Yeah, it means my plan is going to be more expensive, but I will probably use it more once I can figure out how to get my work email on the phone. The only part I am not looking forward to is calling Sprint for the activation. I am currently on the Nextel network and apparently even though the 2 companies merged years ago, they still haven’t integrated everything. Three years ago when I got my current phone I was on the phone with customer service for 2 hours because I was swapping from a Sprint network to a Nextel network. Now I’m going back to a Sprint network so I am not sure what to expect.

Tonight is my hair appointment with Ruth. I have some pictures I printed out for possible hair styles for the shoot in May. I need to get her opinion on any changes we need to make now with color and cut. I think the big decision for tonight is what to do with my bangs. I have a feeling we are going to end up chopping them..er, shaping them.

Hmmm, what else? Sometime next week Dad will get here. He is leaving OH tomorrow. It’s been a long time coming. The next couple of months should be interesting…