Leaky Sponge

I’ve done a lot of absorbing this week. I was called up for active friendship duty and if I wasn’t exactly happy to do it, I answered the calls as best I could and provided support as best I could. In truth, all that was required was that I listen. Input seemed largely optional, but I answered questions when asked and kept my ears open and mouth shut.

I feel like total crap today. It’s hard to figure out this state I’m in since the drama happened around me and not actually to me. Still, I can’t help but feel affected by all that touched me. After absorbing all of this sorrow and disappointment, I am now at a point where I have to do something with it. At the moment, it appears to be leaking out of my eyes. The contents of my stomach don’t seem very happy to be there either.

I tried for normalcy today. I went to breakfast. I went to the grocery. It feels a bit like sleep walking. Life is going on around me and I am disconnected and caught up in my own head space. It feels like depression. Given the past 7 days I shouldn’t be surprised, but I think the events themselves aren’t the cause. I wonder if what I am feeling is simply loneliness. If I personalized the events of the last week as if they were my own, who would I have been reaching out to? Certainly there are the usual suspects of friends and family. I spoke to both this week but I don’t think it is my long distance support system that is the source either.

Regardless, tomorrow is another day. I feel better by just forcing myself to articulate even this much. I’ve spent today trying to get some extra work done. Would you believe I actually had to make a deal with myself to have this little breakdown now rather than wallow all day? Scheduled breakdowns. Now that’s organization.