Family

It’s hard to write about family. Not only because they’ll read this and want to know if I am talking about them, but because it is impossible to be objective. I often think about how individuals growing up in the same environment can develop into such different people. In part, I believe it is because we influence each other and a choice that might work for one does not make it a choice that is right for the rest. The need for individuality drives us to make different choices, good or bad. When thinking about family dynamics, there does seem to be a sort of balancing act going on: the good kid and the bad kid, the over achiever and the mooch, the comedian and the straight man. It is so hard to break out of the roles you establish as kids. Some people don’t ever want to change and that’s fine. Some parents won’t let them anyway.

Family Matters
You have to tread lightly when it comes to family matters. No matter what level of honesty you think you have, there are always the invisible boundaries that you know you just can’t cross. Even the not so invisible, white elephant in the room issues are sometimes things you know you can’t talk about without drawing battle lines and risking some form of alienation. Whether it’s more current issues of child-rearing, spousal idiosyncrasies, and aging parents, or past injustices of divorce, remarriage, and blended families, any type of family get together can be a virtual mine field to try and traverse successfully without blowing up.

On one side of this double-edged sword, your family consists of your most loyal and staunch supporters. As your own personal cheering section, no one knows you and accepts you like family. In theory, you should feel safe and loved and respected enough to express thoughts and feelings without fear of repercussion. And then there is reality. The other side of the sword unfortunately can have a serrated edge. No one has the power to hurt more than family. The ones that know us the best always know where the bruises are to poke. Even when the intent is to help, there is a fine balance between constructive criticism and judgmental bitchiness. Not only is that balance affected by the delivery technique of the messenger, but it is also in the perception of the recipient. Sometimes it just seems easier to bite your tongue than swallow your foot.

Performance Anxiety
We all perform for our families. Whether it’s putting on a happy face to avoid pointed discussions about certain areas of your life, or passive-aggressive surliness because you weren’t hugged enough as a child, we all have roles we play within the family dynamic. Even if you don’t play that role anywhere else, it is hard to avoid falling back into it when reunited with the original cast. And, whether you agree with me or not, I believe most people possess the ability to read body language, tone and expressions for our loved ones. You learn it as a child, and hone it the rest of your life. Believe me, if a parent can distinguish between the different cries a baby makes, they can certainly tell when you are lying, placating, avoiding, hurting, and manipulating. And, you can read them just as easily. This can cause no small amount of anxiety for some, especially if they are trying to hide something unpleasant that they know their families would love to pounce on if given the right opening.

Family Fishbowl
Just when you start to think that your immediate family has enough drama in it, you get together with your extended family. This is a gossip lover’s dream come true. You get to dish the dirt that has been accumulating in your family closet since the last get together. It’s like a bizarre talent show. The joke tellers are flying high on the opportunity to tell the latest batch of bad jokes. The latest batch of offspring are dressed in their best onesies and ready to be passed around, kept up past bedtime and generally pissed off that a bunch of strangers are making fish-faces at them. It’s a potpourri of health issues, make-ups, break ups, births, deaths, and dry chicken dinners from this year’s buffet. It’s pool time and time outs. Board games and bored teens. Old family movies, old pictures, web cams and slide shows. Talent shows and family Jeopardy. It is chaos, confusion, comedy and camaraderie. And 12 short months until the next one.