Metal Tube Torture Part II (Trials and Tribulations of a Road Warrior)

Once you actually get on the plane, there is a science (well at least an art) to finding a seat that you think you can deal with for the duration of your sentence. Again, I am basing this on my current experience with no seat assignment. It has a weird kind of musical-chairs-meets-the-Amazing-Race feel to it. You line up, there is a ribbon like belt in front of each “start” line, the audio system announcing each boarding group like it was introducing countries at the Olympics (and each group does have it’s own flavor and for some reason are prone to cheering when their group is called.), and so forth. It seems that the only thing missing is the starter gun. (Probably a good idea not to have firearms.)

Since you have to get to the airport so early in order to line up, you need to take advantage of the time and survey the crowd to figure out whom you are going to need to avoid at all costs. The small kids that are currently being wound up by bored passengers looking to pass the time, the loud talkers, the complainers, the people hacking up a lung, the snifflers, schmoopy and schmoopy who just might get it on in the boarding area, the bachelor/bachelorette parties that are already drunk, you get the idea. This is what you are working with and you have to decide pretty quickly what you think you can handle and what you can’t. Of course, if you are there as early as I am and are therefore getting on the plane first (that is, after all the special groups and the entourage that amounts to at least 20 people), you need to have a strategy in place to attract/repulse candidates that will be doing time with you. (And since you can’t carry a taser, you have to rely on body language and some good old common sense.)

Even without having a degree in Math, I know from experience that the younger the child, the louder the scream and the more rows you are going to need between you. They can carry a frequency that no iPod can compete with. It can find your spine and grab on with both hands and just start shaking. I estimate at least 5-6 rows at a minimum. And, since they are going to get on the plane before you anyway, you can generally find a seat that is far enough away so as not to threaten your sanity.

Unfortunately, there is only so much you can do before you are just at the mercy of not enough seats and too much of everything else: flesh, illness, bad breath, body odor, perfume clouds, and small talk. What are you going to do now?

Throwing Daggers with Your Eyebrows (a new twist on the Jedi Mind Trick)
Look into my eyes. Listen to my voice. I am not the person you want to sit next to on the plane. (God I wish this actually worked!!) I won’t talk to you (promise!), I won’t look at you, and if you try to engage me in small talk you’ll get MmmHmm noises at best. I will pretend that the most amazing things are going on outside the window so I can act as if you don’t even exist. I will put my headphones on immediately even if I am not playing any music, or I will bury my head in a book, magazine, barf bag, play dead, or whatever it takes to make you think I am too busy (or dead) to acknowledge you. I will almost never ask you to get up so I can use the bathroom, I follow all the rules, and I will never invade your personal space. To me, I sound like the ideal travel companion. Why wouldn't you want to sit next to me? Doesn’t matter. Look into my eyes and listen to my voice. I am NOT the person you want to sit next to on the plane. Keep moving!