1441

Time to bust out the blog chops again, I think. I have a secret and no one seems to be expecting any blog entries from me, so it seems once again like a good outlet for my random thoughts. It’s been pointless to keep up with writing in my lather, rinse, repeat schedule for the last few years, so I didn't bother. Let’s trying interviewing myself…

What’s my secret? I’m in love. Let me just bask in that statement for a moment…I’m in love. If there was ever a perfect moment for the over-use of exclamation points, that has to be it. I’m over the moon about it, of course. I’m in that sweet-smelling, endorphin-filled, rainbow-casting cloud of schmoopiness. It’s about having the same thoughts at the same time, love notes, staring off into space, pictures, confessing your love to random strangers, CD’s, and all the things that go along with cementing that fragile bond of new coupledom. It really doesn't matter what age you are. I always believed age would be irrelevant, so it’s nice to confirm that. Obviously at 41, there are certainly some welcome differences than if I was 21. And thank GOD for those differences.

I think there’s something very rich and even sweeter about falling in love with someone after you already know yourself. The idea that you have functioned as a self-sufficient, independent, productive member of society for more years than you might confess is very rewarding when you think about merging into someone else’s equally accomplished life. There are so many more stories to share, more patience to hear another opinion, more confidence (and hopefully tact and actual resolution) in disagreements, and more appreciation for the gift you've been given because you know what it’s like to be without. There is absolutely no way I had any real understanding of this at the age of 21. I may miss that body, but I sure don’t miss that age.

Why is it a secret? Since it’s new I feel terribly possessive and protective of it, like it was a living thing. For as secure as I may profess to be on a daily basis, I think there remains that sliver of fear until I am actually with him (no doubt wrapped around him like a blanket). Fear is irrational, so I don’t want to try to explain it, but I do try to keep a tight lid on it labeled “old patterns” and try to remember to take it out with the trash. We don’t talk about it no doubt because we don’t want to acknowledge its shadowy presence, but I have a feeling he might be harboring the same fugitive. We both want to shout it from the rooftops and we are slowly letting people in our lives know, but I think we both want to control the flow of information for the time being. Plus, this has been such a long time coming for us that sometimes it still seems necessary to pinch yourself to believe its reality and not another fantasy you concocted in your mind.  Case in point- last night we actually talked about what to call each other. It was so sweet. So let me say it again. I’m in love with my boyfriend!!!!!  And off I go for a minute twirling in a field of flowers….

The other reason to keep a lid on it for now is because we have made a point to not define it yet. Other than our CUTE labels (WHEE!!!!), we have made it a point not to look too far down the road. That being said, we have confirmed with each other that we both see this as a long term commitment. There is absolutely no doubt that he is exactly who I want to have in my life for as long as I can have him. If I have to eat sushi every day to prove it, then bring out the fish bait! I know we’ll discuss it at some point, but we are taking this time right now to just enjoy the daily moments and the anticipation of seeing each other again. It’s another “old pattern” departure for me, but I accept what we give to each other every day, and I find that kind of focus to be precious. Every day is different and I would hate to lose sight of what I have right in front of me by thinking about hypothetical future scenarios that may never exist. I do think its natural when telling other people for them to ask about the logistics of something long distance. Since I have no answer for that other than to say”we’ll figure it out” my preference is to not say anything.

1441? Ha. Well, I like numbers. Not math, mind you, but numbers. I am in love with the symmetry of this one. Age 14 is when we met and age 41 is when we started our relationship. Its sick how cute that is, right? It looks like they are mirror images of each other. We aren't that, of course, but they do look like they are looking at each other and we do plenty of that! And if I REALLY, reeeeaaaallly want to stretch the love connection cuteness of it, I can say that in numerology this number is a 1. (1+4+4+1=10…1+0=1)

Quoting from my numerology book regarding 10/1= “What you have been waiting for may now be yours. You could call this cycle a turn for the better, the start of something new. Events that appear accidental or mere chance result from efforts you have already expended.”

Too long to put on a t-shirt, but I like the idea of 1441 and the delicious secret meaning.